Monday, April 20

Good news from Washington. President Trump has pointed out that a sure-thing cure for coronavirus is a dose of disinfectant, taken by mouth, or even orally. Emboldened, but not too much, by the wisdom of the leader of the free world, I tentatively swallow more Listerine than normal before putting on my pyjamas for the long night ahead of me. Let’s see if that works.

Tuesday, April 21

If vomiting is a cure for coronavirus I’m in the clear. Up half the night throwing up blue liquid. Ah well, so much for being guided by the science.

Wednesday, April 22

A young French couple have been fined for breaking the lockdown rules. Discovered in the back of a car, secluded in a bois somewhere, minding their own business, the youngsters were fully engaged in an act of love when the gendarmes turned up and blew their whistles. Monsieur had filled out his form correctly, ticking ‘engaging in sporting activity,’ while Madame had indicated she was out of the house ‘for essential supplies.’ They were each fined 135 euros. What is France coming to when the police can’t be more understanding?

Thursday, April 23

Some bits and pieces of furniture arrived. Not too much, but a table and a carpet and a persian rug. I’d ordered them from two French websites. The service was superb and very efficient. My goodness how France has changed.

Friday, April 24

Putting away the delivery notes that came with the furnishings I noticed that both shipments had come not from France, but from Germany, which very neatly explains the can-do attitude of the on-line outlets. Home24 and CarpetVista are German, not French, apparently.

Saturday, April 25

Read a report in a French newspaper of three recent research projects that had all come to the same conclusion: if you smoke your chances of contracting coronavirus diminish by a factor of five. You can read all about it on Monaco Daily News. Made a note to buy a week’s supply of cigars.

Sunday, April 26

It hasn’t taken the French authorities very long to be a killjoy – again. Pharmacies have been told not to sell more than a month’s supply of nicotine tablets or chewing gum to any one person at a time. Only part of the reason being that tobacco addicts doing cold turkey shouldn’t have to suffer from lack of patches, the other being that they don’t want anyone else to become addicted to tobacco. There’s logic in there somewhere, perhaps.

Anyway, I believe they are missing the point. I can’t imagine that nicotine in one’s blood does very much to stop the virus, more a case of all that tar in the mouth and throat poisoning not only the smoker – me – but the virus. A case of one poison killing another. However, I’d rather die of one Romeo y Julieta too many than Covid19. And, for the moment at least, there’s no gendarme with a whistle telling me to stop it.

to be continued for longer than we would like

Jeff Daniels’ Coronavirus Diary is published in the interests of editorial diversity and any views expressed by the author do not necessarily represent those of the publishers.